where did the monster come from


In 2006, I was trying to get a grasp on what was happening to me… how my marriage had turned into this monster that was destroying me. I jotted down some notes…

a reconstruction of the events:


  • first week or two of marriage- I realized there was a BIG problem (remember sleeping in garage and crying as if your heart would break?)
  • blame and lack of support very early months (over financial issues, esp. my small pre-marital education debt)
  • complete breakdown of all intimacy and one-flesh… violence during Twain Harte years (remember crashing through the closet doors? punches? wonder about those two broken ribs?) . Kurt began his threats of divorce over the “Men in Grey” stuff he and his mom believed. This is when I had my first dream-vision experience of the creepy knocking on all 4 walls of the house and I prayed and prayed aloud to keep Satan out of our home.
  • I sought counseling to deal with Kurt’s control and anger. He refused to take part and my parents paid for it. My mother’s counsel was to bloom where planted.


  • slightly better during first year in Sunnyvale I began to learn “compliance” and “submission” according to Kurt. I was happy working. Also, we did seek help together. Kurt was diagnosed as depressed but did not continue his medication. When Kurt got the counselor all excited about discussing the sex issue… a real arena of abuse… I refused to go.
  • with Ian’s birth, the violence and emotional/verbal abuse/control became unbearable. I remember once he kicked me and knocked me down while I had our infant in my arms. I got in the car and left, but had no where to go so I went back. I had terrible bruises on my thigh. I simply could not believe this was me. It was here that I’d say the worst several years began… I was in tears, I was so tormented by a relationship that in my gut I knew was wrong, so very wrong, but I had to make it work. I became very confused about submission and who was right. I prayed and sought answers, but got little or no guidance. We moved, we prayed over the house. I cried a lot, Kyle was born, I struggled with Kurt’s parenting, my heart ached for what I felt was SUCH a dysfunctional, sick family, such an empty and disappointing marriage. As always, I maintained an exterior of cheerfulness to others, but I became angry and bitter deep down. Deep depression hit several times, beginning when Ian was 1. I began taking medication.

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