eight years ago…

This was written in my diary eight years ago as I sat in our church’s kitchen. I was at the weekly women’s bible study and I had to leave the room while the teacher was giving the lesson…

God, Anna is in there teaching about the fruits of the Spirit and how we are living with the Spirit in us and that we are freed from fear… and I just can’t apply any of this to my own life. I listen to other people praising God and being so thankful and wanting to glorify you in their difficulties and finding such comfort in your words… I just am not getting all of this. It just isn’t working for me. I no longer know what is right or wrong or have the right motivation for any of it, and I question whether I really ever did. Lord, I call you that, but I can’t tell if I mean it. I need your help. I need your healing. I cannot continue to do the things I’ve committed to, I don’t want to be happy or joyful, I feel nothing but guilt and despair. I feel pain when I can find a bit of joy with anyone outside of my own family, yet I can’t trust other women, even Christians, with my problems. I feel so alone… Please help me. Save me.

I have come to the end of myself, and I just don’t see God there for me.

I cannot keep pretending that I am okay.

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